Change comes.
It's interesting how change affects me these days, these days of my middle age. (They could be late age, I could die tomorrow, or even today, but I digress.)
A change that I didn't see coming, came, and now, although not much has changed, I still feel sad. I still feel the loss that the change has brought. I'm not sure how to process it.
It feels like my world has been turned upside down, almost like I've been abandoned. That's not the case by a long shot, but that's the thing about what a friend of mine recently called "The Feels" - they're not really rational. They are based in *my* reality, but not the reality of the world and what's really happening, or what has really happened.
So, I lingered in bed this morning. I finished listening to a podcast. I haven't eaten, but I showered, and shaved, and cleaned my teeth. I dressed, I drove in to work (which is where the change took place), I'm here. I showed up.
And, as Woody Allen famously has said, isn't that eighty percent of life?
I'm here for my eighty percent, sir and/or madam. What's next.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Achievement Unlocked
I don't know why it's always been important to me to hear my dad say that he's proud of me. Probably one of those things where I wanted to know that I've done my job as a son, doing good for the family name or something.
Or maybe it was because I wasn't ever great at all the typical "boy" stuff - dropped out of football, spooked & soured by baseball, didn't much care about basketball. I didn't have a lot of the stereotypical "father-son" bonding moments over sports. Well, that's not entirely true. We did go see a White Sox game in old Comiskey together. That was great, but nothing to be proud of.
It's possible that it could be that while I felt that I was first out of the gate among my friends in the working world, I floundered and faltered over the years, continually having to "borrow" money from him to make ends meet. That feeling as a child that you're just sponging off your parents. It's pretty defeating. Watching my friends grow to be very successful was humbling, and I would have liked to have been that son sometimes, instead of the one I am.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a great dad, myself. And it's ironic that I would *never* think of my own kids the way I imagine above how my dad might feel about me (although I know he doesn't).
My dad and I have had many great bonding-type moments. The trip to Comiskey mentioned above. A trip to Hawai'i where my mom & sister went back to the condo early, somewhat disgusted at the level of drinking that my father & I were doing. We hitchhiked back to the condo - never actually got a ride, just ended up walking the miles back to the condo by ourselves. Random moments grabbed at their house in Evergreen, talking on the deck.
And while I'm sure he's told me before, it never quite stuck like it did when he said it the other day, when I was telling him about my achievements at work these past couple of weeks, and when I read to him how my boss responded to my thoughts on how to expand the IT department at my current company with "Start / continue thinking like a lead / head of IT and define the roadmap, plan, vision, etc. Consider yourself the CEO of the IT department here, running a startup within a startup. What's your plan, and how will you execute, will you deliver the right product to your market (our employees)?"
Maybe it's because I finally feel proud of myself, too, that it feels genuine instead of a platitude or being cold comfort. Maybe cold is too harsh of a word, but this felt real, from him & my mom.
My dad's proud of me, you guys. And it feels great.
Or maybe it was because I wasn't ever great at all the typical "boy" stuff - dropped out of football, spooked & soured by baseball, didn't much care about basketball. I didn't have a lot of the stereotypical "father-son" bonding moments over sports. Well, that's not entirely true. We did go see a White Sox game in old Comiskey together. That was great, but nothing to be proud of.
It's possible that it could be that while I felt that I was first out of the gate among my friends in the working world, I floundered and faltered over the years, continually having to "borrow" money from him to make ends meet. That feeling as a child that you're just sponging off your parents. It's pretty defeating. Watching my friends grow to be very successful was humbling, and I would have liked to have been that son sometimes, instead of the one I am.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a great dad, myself. And it's ironic that I would *never* think of my own kids the way I imagine above how my dad might feel about me (although I know he doesn't).
My dad and I have had many great bonding-type moments. The trip to Comiskey mentioned above. A trip to Hawai'i where my mom & sister went back to the condo early, somewhat disgusted at the level of drinking that my father & I were doing. We hitchhiked back to the condo - never actually got a ride, just ended up walking the miles back to the condo by ourselves. Random moments grabbed at their house in Evergreen, talking on the deck.
And while I'm sure he's told me before, it never quite stuck like it did when he said it the other day, when I was telling him about my achievements at work these past couple of weeks, and when I read to him how my boss responded to my thoughts on how to expand the IT department at my current company with "Start / continue thinking like a lead / head of IT and define the roadmap, plan, vision, etc. Consider yourself the CEO of the IT department here, running a startup within a startup. What's your plan, and how will you execute, will you deliver the right product to your market (our employees)?"
Maybe it's because I finally feel proud of myself, too, that it feels genuine instead of a platitude or being cold comfort. Maybe cold is too harsh of a word, but this felt real, from him & my mom.
My dad's proud of me, you guys. And it feels great.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
A short chat
I start a new job on Monday - tomorrow - and my last day at my old job was Friday. So it's perhaps not surprising that my colitis would be acting up.
I had gone to Portland for an experimental procedure at the end of May. I had hoped it would yield fast & visible results. I did stop seeing blood for about a month. Around the beginning of July, I had some drinks with my family, with my sister in town. I didn't think it would affect me as much as it seems to have. I'm in a flare a bit now, but it's an odd one. I do see a bit of blood again, but not a lot.
It's hard to tell if my body is trying to right itself, or if things are sliding back to how they were.
So, the chat. Talking with my wife, I started musing about having surgery to "fix" me, to get rid of my colitis. She started shaking her head "no," and all sorts of thoughts ran through my head. Thoughts of travel, thoughts of driving to work, thoughts of eating, thoughts of drinking, thoughts of being places and not having to worry about my stupid colitis.
"I just want my life back again."
is what I said. And even as I said it, I thought back to when I was diagnosed, in 1994.
This *is* my life.
It's a life I don't want and didn't ask for, but it is my life and has been for almost 20 years. Close to half my life.
I've said before that this disease/disorder/whatever has taught me much in my life. Humility, compassion, empathy, patience to name just a few. But I'd like to be done learning those things. I know that's not rational or right or...does it make sense at all?
But I just want to be done. I want to wake up in the morning and not have my first thoughts be about my gut and how it's feeling and bathrooms and toilet paper and …
I just want to wake up and be me.
And related to my last post about meditation, I realize that waking up and being me is all I do, every day. And I don't know why I want to be someone else. I don't know why being "fixed" is so important to me.
I'm happy. Otherwise healthy. Everything is so very good.
What do I *really* want? That elusive life that I seem to keep chasing? Why can't I just be me and be satisfied with that?
Perhaps it was because this procedure offered a way out. Not easy nor cheap, but a possible way out. It might still work. But for now, I'm still where I'm at. And I just need to relax. And be me. Broken and all. Because I'm not broken. I am as I should be.
I had gone to Portland for an experimental procedure at the end of May. I had hoped it would yield fast & visible results. I did stop seeing blood for about a month. Around the beginning of July, I had some drinks with my family, with my sister in town. I didn't think it would affect me as much as it seems to have. I'm in a flare a bit now, but it's an odd one. I do see a bit of blood again, but not a lot.
It's hard to tell if my body is trying to right itself, or if things are sliding back to how they were.
So, the chat. Talking with my wife, I started musing about having surgery to "fix" me, to get rid of my colitis. She started shaking her head "no," and all sorts of thoughts ran through my head. Thoughts of travel, thoughts of driving to work, thoughts of eating, thoughts of drinking, thoughts of being places and not having to worry about my stupid colitis.
"I just want my life back again."
is what I said. And even as I said it, I thought back to when I was diagnosed, in 1994.
This *is* my life.
It's a life I don't want and didn't ask for, but it is my life and has been for almost 20 years. Close to half my life.
I've said before that this disease/disorder/whatever has taught me much in my life. Humility, compassion, empathy, patience to name just a few. But I'd like to be done learning those things. I know that's not rational or right or...does it make sense at all?
But I just want to be done. I want to wake up in the morning and not have my first thoughts be about my gut and how it's feeling and bathrooms and toilet paper and …
I just want to wake up and be me.
And related to my last post about meditation, I realize that waking up and being me is all I do, every day. And I don't know why I want to be someone else. I don't know why being "fixed" is so important to me.
I'm happy. Otherwise healthy. Everything is so very good.
What do I *really* want? That elusive life that I seem to keep chasing? Why can't I just be me and be satisfied with that?
Perhaps it was because this procedure offered a way out. Not easy nor cheap, but a possible way out. It might still work. But for now, I'm still where I'm at. And I just need to relax. And be me. Broken and all. Because I'm not broken. I am as I should be.
Today is not yesterday.
Yesterday's meditation was kind of a breeze. I was thinking about things here and there, but I was comfortable and not in any huge rush to hear the bell.
Today, however…. I don't know at what point because I don't have a midpoint timer in my weekend sittings, but my brain was SCREAMING for the bell to ring. One of my legs fell asleep, and my mind portrayed it as the most URGENT THING EVER.
I returned to paying attention to my breath, and telling myself that I would not die because my leg fell asleep. It worked for a bit, I was focused, and then I started thinking of other things. That was just a distraction, because when I returned to my breath, my mind still screamed out for the bell. "It's asleep! Your foot is asleep! I can feel it tingling! AAAAAAAAA!"
My wife walked in to chat with me after a while and I looked to see how much time I had left by that point.
46 seconds.
I smiled, stretched, started talking with my wife, and heard the bell ring.
Today, however…. I don't know at what point because I don't have a midpoint timer in my weekend sittings, but my brain was SCREAMING for the bell to ring. One of my legs fell asleep, and my mind portrayed it as the most URGENT THING EVER.
I returned to paying attention to my breath, and telling myself that I would not die because my leg fell asleep. It worked for a bit, I was focused, and then I started thinking of other things. That was just a distraction, because when I returned to my breath, my mind still screamed out for the bell. "It's asleep! Your foot is asleep! I can feel it tingling! AAAAAAAAA!"
My wife walked in to chat with me after a while and I looked to see how much time I had left by that point.
46 seconds.
I smiled, stretched, started talking with my wife, and heard the bell ring.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
I wanted to write a bit about how my thinking around employment has changed over the past few weeks. It's been an interesting journey, sparked by the convergence of my frustration and disappointment at my current job and a tweet by @LissaRankin. I don't know why her tweet caught my eye. I wasn't an entrepreneur, and I didn't have a business. I had a blog that I was hoping to monetize and had some big ideas around, but that wasn't working out, either, which is to say the money wasn't just pouring in.
Her post was about the book The $100 Startup, which, as misnomers go, isn't that bad. The subtitle has more to do with the book than the main title, but that's neither here nor there. Lissa's article was about not making mistakes when launching your own business, something that I don't even think was on my mind when I read the article. The point was that I've known for my whole life how to go about finding work - just do what you love, just like my dad did. He was an airline pilot. "Love what you do and you'll never work a day in your life." I've just never really done what I loved. I've always done what I thought was the right thing - making money to support my family, pay our mortgage, etc. Noble and "right" things, to be sure, but it didn't contribute to my happiness in any real way.
So, I bought the Only72 deal. I had some money coming in from a side gig I had worked and figured, what the hell. I'd get the book and some other stuff to read. As I read the material from Scott Dinsmore and Ashley Ambirge I thought "even if this is 'rah-rah' bullshit, if it gets me off my ass and *doing* things, it's worth the $100." (Some of it was rah-rah bullshit. Some of it felt like a handjob that took you right up close to the end...but then asked you for more money. But most of the content was on the up-and-up, full standing. Maybe offers for more help, but that could be expected.)
As I was reading and listening, I started brainstorming some old ideas, and getting ideas for how I could possibly make money from those. And just like that, the $100 was worth it.
How has my thinking around employment changed? Well, with all the talk of "Yooo can dooo eeet!" I started to think, yeah, I can do it. I started thinking about my business ideas from the standpoint of just getting things moving, not resting on my laurels. The more I thought about starting my own business, the more I saw how energized and motivated I am to bring these ideas to light along with how to bring them to light, the more I realized that my current job is a dead-end no matter how I look at it. If I continue to "buckle down" and specialize, then I'm still not doing the things I want to do. If I get into management, then I'm doing things I'm more interested in doing, but I'm still staring down 25 years of just doing that.
If I become my own boss and only do the things I want to do, then I'm doing what I love, and not "working" another day in my life.
So, what do I love? Music. Food. Traveling. And helping people do those things, too.
My ideas and thoughts were further cemented when I was talking to a friend about music a couple of weeks ago, before we went to a concert. I was so energized when talking about music, so engaged, it just hit me. I don't want to do what I'm doing, what I keep trying to do, what I keep trying for people to notice me at. I want to do what feels right. What makes me happy.
I realized that I've been making so little money over the past few...10 years, that I'm not "comfortable" anyway, and that my family has learned to live with so little, that making the leap wouldn't even be that drastic. It wouldn't be jumping off a cliff, it would be stepping off a ledge.
I would be learning *real* business skills, and not just "paying my dues" and trying to work my way up the ladder. I'll be at the top, and all of my success will rest on my shoulders.
Scary? Hell no. It's exciting and invigorating.
Her post was about the book The $100 Startup, which, as misnomers go, isn't that bad. The subtitle has more to do with the book than the main title, but that's neither here nor there. Lissa's article was about not making mistakes when launching your own business, something that I don't even think was on my mind when I read the article. The point was that I've known for my whole life how to go about finding work - just do what you love, just like my dad did. He was an airline pilot. "Love what you do and you'll never work a day in your life." I've just never really done what I loved. I've always done what I thought was the right thing - making money to support my family, pay our mortgage, etc. Noble and "right" things, to be sure, but it didn't contribute to my happiness in any real way.
So, I bought the Only72 deal. I had some money coming in from a side gig I had worked and figured, what the hell. I'd get the book and some other stuff to read. As I read the material from Scott Dinsmore and Ashley Ambirge I thought "even if this is 'rah-rah' bullshit, if it gets me off my ass and *doing* things, it's worth the $100." (Some of it was rah-rah bullshit. Some of it felt like a handjob that took you right up close to the end...but then asked you for more money. But most of the content was on the up-and-up, full standing. Maybe offers for more help, but that could be expected.)
As I was reading and listening, I started brainstorming some old ideas, and getting ideas for how I could possibly make money from those. And just like that, the $100 was worth it.
How has my thinking around employment changed? Well, with all the talk of "Yooo can dooo eeet!" I started to think, yeah, I can do it. I started thinking about my business ideas from the standpoint of just getting things moving, not resting on my laurels. The more I thought about starting my own business, the more I saw how energized and motivated I am to bring these ideas to light along with how to bring them to light, the more I realized that my current job is a dead-end no matter how I look at it. If I continue to "buckle down" and specialize, then I'm still not doing the things I want to do. If I get into management, then I'm doing things I'm more interested in doing, but I'm still staring down 25 years of just doing that.
If I become my own boss and only do the things I want to do, then I'm doing what I love, and not "working" another day in my life.
So, what do I love? Music. Food. Traveling. And helping people do those things, too.
My ideas and thoughts were further cemented when I was talking to a friend about music a couple of weeks ago, before we went to a concert. I was so energized when talking about music, so engaged, it just hit me. I don't want to do what I'm doing, what I keep trying to do, what I keep trying for people to notice me at. I want to do what feels right. What makes me happy.
I realized that I've been making so little money over the past few...10 years, that I'm not "comfortable" anyway, and that my family has learned to live with so little, that making the leap wouldn't even be that drastic. It wouldn't be jumping off a cliff, it would be stepping off a ledge.
I would be learning *real* business skills, and not just "paying my dues" and trying to work my way up the ladder. I'll be at the top, and all of my success will rest on my shoulders.
Scary? Hell no. It's exciting and invigorating.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Words. And numbers.
One of the bigger questions I've had about starting my own business has been - how much does it cost? Chris Guillebeau has a new book that tackles that question in a way. I'll post a review soon, but here I wanted to list the money I've spent so far on getting this started.
At the moment, I've purchased 6 domains from Name.com (affiliate link). I may list them later, but for now, that's been the main expense. I paid full price for one (US$10.99) and Googled for a discount code when I bought five yesterday and got them for US$9.49 each, for a current total of $58.44.
I'll likely sign up for webhosting later today. I'm not sure how much that's going to cost, I have a couple of options. After reading & researching, I'm probably going to go with WordPress as my blog platform. I'll update this post when I get that wraooed yo,
At the moment, I've purchased 6 domains from Name.com (affiliate link). I may list them later, but for now, that's been the main expense. I paid full price for one (US$10.99) and Googled for a discount code when I bought five yesterday and got them for US$9.49 each, for a current total of $58.44.
I'll likely sign up for webhosting later today. I'm not sure how much that's going to cost, I have a couple of options. After reading & researching, I'm probably going to go with WordPress as my blog platform. I'll update this post when I get that wraooed yo,
Monday, May 14, 2012
More business planning, not enough business doing
Wrote to Chris Guillebeau over the weekend, asking how he set up his "company" - he wrote back that he just went with a sole proprietorship. For some reason, my gut is telling me to go with LLC or S Corp - and actually, that's what this *really* helpful incorporation wizard on Bizfilings.com suggested that I go with. It looks like there are a lot of useful tools & information on that site as well. I've got an e-mail in to the lady who does my taxes to see if she has any information & guidance on this as well.
All of that to say that I haven't done much with regards to the actual business while I've been reading up on what type of business I should form. I've been doing a lot of planning in my head, and I have actually done *some* work, but not actual writing work. And now here I am, writing about not writing. I was considering going to the Apple Store tonight to check out the 11-inch Macbook Air vs. the 13, to see which one I'd like better.
But I *have* a computer at home, and it's a kickass one. And I don't have any other income yet. I have multiple carts before this one horse. I think the horse is confused.
So, I'll start to do more writing this week, but I'll also be reading Chris' book the $100 Startup, and probably going to see him this coming Friday in Denver.
Writers write.
All of that to say that I haven't done much with regards to the actual business while I've been reading up on what type of business I should form. I've been doing a lot of planning in my head, and I have actually done *some* work, but not actual writing work. And now here I am, writing about not writing. I was considering going to the Apple Store tonight to check out the 11-inch Macbook Air vs. the 13, to see which one I'd like better.
But I *have* a computer at home, and it's a kickass one. And I don't have any other income yet. I have multiple carts before this one horse. I think the horse is confused.
So, I'll start to do more writing this week, but I'll also be reading Chris' book the $100 Startup, and probably going to see him this coming Friday in Denver.
Writers write.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Unworthy
But probably not what you're thinking. I certainly wasn't prepared for the thought when it hit me.
I was thinking about the ideas I have, ideas that will hopefully help me move toward living a more creative life. I was thinking this while walking the halls of my comfortable job. Well, not that comfortable, we don't make ends meet every month, but we get most of the way there. But stable, I guess I mean. I could stay here for a while and get things done. But that's all I'd be doing, is getting things done. I digress.
The thought that hit me was "Who am I to think that these ideas will work out?" It was a feeling of giving up before even getting started.
This is an unusual course of thought for me - I'm usually very positive. I'm going through some changes right now with my diet in preparation for a health procedure, and that may be part of what I'm experiencing. I've only had one meal since I had lunch yesterday around 1:30. I digress again.
I've been very inspired this past week in various degrees from reading the likes of Chris Guillebeau, Darren Rowse, Ashley Ambirge, Corbett Barr, Johnny B. Truant, Alyson Stanfield, Scott Dinsmore, Gary Vaynerchuk and others. And now that my reading material is coming to an end, I have a ton of ideas but nothing has said "Ok, do this now" to push me to the next thing. And so I guess I feel adrift.
I know it will take a while for my ideas to manifest and grow. I know it will take work. That's not where my nervousness comes from. And it's funny, now that I'm taking a deeper look, the nervousness starts to disappear. That's the thing I've learned about fear, or pain - much of it is in the mind. My mind comes up with a lot of reasons for not doing things.
But maybe I'm mis-reading it. Maybe it's not negative nervousness. Maybe it's excited anticipation. Maybe it's that feeling of exhilaration and opportunity that you get before you do something big, like getting married or moving away from home to start college. (I'd say like skydiving, but I've never done that. I've wanted to try it once, though.)
So...here's to big plans and ideas.
I was thinking about the ideas I have, ideas that will hopefully help me move toward living a more creative life. I was thinking this while walking the halls of my comfortable job. Well, not that comfortable, we don't make ends meet every month, but we get most of the way there. But stable, I guess I mean. I could stay here for a while and get things done. But that's all I'd be doing, is getting things done. I digress.
The thought that hit me was "Who am I to think that these ideas will work out?" It was a feeling of giving up before even getting started.
This is an unusual course of thought for me - I'm usually very positive. I'm going through some changes right now with my diet in preparation for a health procedure, and that may be part of what I'm experiencing. I've only had one meal since I had lunch yesterday around 1:30. I digress again.
I've been very inspired this past week in various degrees from reading the likes of Chris Guillebeau, Darren Rowse, Ashley Ambirge, Corbett Barr, Johnny B. Truant, Alyson Stanfield, Scott Dinsmore, Gary Vaynerchuk and others. And now that my reading material is coming to an end, I have a ton of ideas but nothing has said "Ok, do this now" to push me to the next thing. And so I guess I feel adrift.
I know it will take a while for my ideas to manifest and grow. I know it will take work. That's not where my nervousness comes from. And it's funny, now that I'm taking a deeper look, the nervousness starts to disappear. That's the thing I've learned about fear, or pain - much of it is in the mind. My mind comes up with a lot of reasons for not doing things.
But maybe I'm mis-reading it. Maybe it's not negative nervousness. Maybe it's excited anticipation. Maybe it's that feeling of exhilaration and opportunity that you get before you do something big, like getting married or moving away from home to start college. (I'd say like skydiving, but I've never done that. I've wanted to try it once, though.)
So...here's to big plans and ideas.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Hello Again World!
Hello again world!
I'm hoping to embark on a writing career of my own making. But I'm getting far, far ahead of myself.
I've been reading a lot of information that's pumping me up to get started and I think I'm realizing that before I get too far down the writing rabbit hole, because I intend to do this for income, I need to get some things in place as far as setting up a business to protect my assets. The problem is, I don't know where to begin.
I think I'll call the lady who does my taxes and ask her for some tips. I'll check the government pages for starting a small business and see what needs to be done in my home state.
And I'll keep reading. And writing. And I'll write about the process here, and hope that it might help others who are in a similar position.
I have one blog up and running right now, but it could be better designed, and I'm starting to write more. I have a couple of other ideas for blogs, things that my family and I are very passionate about. I think these three cover our passions well, and I have big plans. I always have big plans. But I've got solid ideas, I think, and I think we can make this happen. Lots of hard work is in store, but I'm so fucking excited to get going. It's all I can think about. I know that there's a bit of crazy obsessive thinking going on right now, but I've been going in waves - ideas, optimism, planning, then back to all of the "reality" stuff like health insurance for my family, taxes, tools I'll need to do my work efficiently & effectively.
But I'm committed to making this work. Hopefully by this time next year, actually. Wish us luck. :)
I'm hoping to embark on a writing career of my own making. But I'm getting far, far ahead of myself.
I've been reading a lot of information that's pumping me up to get started and I think I'm realizing that before I get too far down the writing rabbit hole, because I intend to do this for income, I need to get some things in place as far as setting up a business to protect my assets. The problem is, I don't know where to begin.
I think I'll call the lady who does my taxes and ask her for some tips. I'll check the government pages for starting a small business and see what needs to be done in my home state.
And I'll keep reading. And writing. And I'll write about the process here, and hope that it might help others who are in a similar position.
I have one blog up and running right now, but it could be better designed, and I'm starting to write more. I have a couple of other ideas for blogs, things that my family and I are very passionate about. I think these three cover our passions well, and I have big plans. I always have big plans. But I've got solid ideas, I think, and I think we can make this happen. Lots of hard work is in store, but I'm so fucking excited to get going. It's all I can think about. I know that there's a bit of crazy obsessive thinking going on right now, but I've been going in waves - ideas, optimism, planning, then back to all of the "reality" stuff like health insurance for my family, taxes, tools I'll need to do my work efficiently & effectively.
But I'm committed to making this work. Hopefully by this time next year, actually. Wish us luck. :)
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